Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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