I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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