I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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