he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
