You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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