There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
