just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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