After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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