It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I know her cup size but not her name....
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