i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
