shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Randomize
