Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
