you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
