So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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