I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
