is your mom at the bar?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
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