I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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