I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
