It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
