im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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