you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
