Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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