***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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