Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
