There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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