Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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