sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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