life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
