my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My balls are so social today.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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