saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Semen is not good for contacts.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
