i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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