i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
