you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Sober January is a disaster.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
