Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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