worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I can't put those talents on a resume
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
