After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Send help, water and tortillas.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize