I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
