I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
