I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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