where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize