he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
