woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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