I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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