Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
