Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
