it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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