I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
