Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize