I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
