we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
