Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize