i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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