Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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