Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
