cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
When are your genitals available?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
