Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
