The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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