I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize