it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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