If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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