I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
